No.1 The Chat Room

During my many alcohol fuelled ventures surfing the web into the small hours, I have had the great misfortune of venturing into 'the chat room ! '

For the newcomer , these rooms generally consist of either groups of prepubescent Americans , who's only attempt at intelligent conversation seems to be 'a/s/l' or 'do you do it doggie style big boy ?' or even worse, the enthusiasts who can spend hours discussing the merits of 'beanie babies' or the benefits of using desalinated water in the development of 'the Japanese farting fish'

Don't get me wrong, I know the 'net' is the perfect portal for escapism, but I'm sure you'll agree that the 'Pee Wee Herman look alike with chronic acne and halitosis calling himself 'Studboy69' and describing himself as a double of Arnold Schwarzenneger does stretch the bounds of imagination. but what astounds me is why someone creating their own room and calling it 'Ukranian bearded lesbians against the zebra mollusc' can sit there for hours speculating on why nobody wants to join them !

Just to add to the experience we also have 'Acronyms' and those inane little groups of punctuation marks known as 'Emoticons' ,maybe I'm shallow, but I find it difficult to believe that a coma followed by an asterisk and a question mark can express any emotion other than frustration at not being able to hit the right keys because of alcohol induced incoherence.

I have developed some of my own 'Acronyms that i find particularly useful

" I.W.L.T.S.A.C.B.T.A.V.O.G.G.I.G.T.S "

' I would love to stay and chat but there's a video on grass growing ive got to see '

" I.W.L.T.S.A.C.B.T.A.V.O.P.D.I.G.T.S "

' As above but substitute 'paint drying '

" H.Y.A.I.C.I.M.N.S "

' Honestly you are interesting , comatose is my natural state. '

"Y.I.H.A.P.B.I.K.I.O.T.M.T.K.T.K.A.F.T.F"

'Yes I have a pic but I keep it on the mantlepiece to keep the kids away from the fire'

"A.W.M.Y.T.I.W.W.T.S.A.C.W.Y.A.N.ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz"

' And what makes you think I wouldn't want to stay and chat with you all ni...ZZZZZZZzzzzzz

No.2 The Alphabet

What can I say about the alphabet I hear you say (metaphorically of course) it's a sequence of 26 letters that help us to build words, sentences and ultimately a language. Ok we're all agreed on that, the confusion seems to arise with the sequence of those letters. From my schooling, albeit from a long time ago and a school that had 'Omnia per ardua' as its motto, which roughly translates to 'Please give generously', The general sequence used to be 'A' through to 'Z' passing through 'D' 'K' and 'R' to name a few, along the way. So why have the internet powers that be decided to change this sequence so that 'U' appears before anything else. Still confused ? Ever filled out a form on the net only to get to 'country' to find that 'United States' appears at the top of the list before the likes of lowly Afghanistan, Angola or even Azerbaijan who's only claim to fame is being high up on alpahbetical listings. Could it be that the majority rule ? or is it a nation that feels the need to dominate, to change to their own preference? even to a point where they have to simplify and modify a complex, descriptive language that has stood the test of time for hundreds of years.

Whilst i'm on the subject, why has holiday become vacation, lift become elevator, flat become apartment and even such words of latin derivation such as tap (from the latin 'Tappus Drippus') become faucet ? where's the 'w' in Jaguar ? why is 'Monty Python' pronounced 'Monnny Pythorn' why are crisps chips and vica versa. Dont get me wrong I'm not criticising our Trans-Atlantic neighbours how can I when they've given us such things as - Uhmmmmmmmm...... I'll come back to that. Oh yes, Little Jimmy Osmond and the Ku Klux Klan to name but a few. .

On that note I'll end these rantings, oh ! just one other thing, 'The World Series' whats all that about then ?

No.3 Bullying

Bullying is something that unfortunately most people have had experience of or had to endure during sometime in there lives,whether its the traditional nailing of kneecaps to the blackboard , the obligatiry stapler offensive on the scrotum, still a popular pastime in many of Britains public schools, or the worst of all the 'mother of all wedgies' which results in the testes being transported to a position half an inch below the ear lobes . I'm sure that we've all encountered the sadistic schoolteacher whose psychological method of punishing late homework was to make the victim spend 3 hours in a sensory deprivation chamber whilst being forced to listen to excerpts from 'Uncle Toms Cabin' spoken in Portugese (or was that just my school ?) What we are witnessing now is on a much greater scale than all of this, as this is being written , discussions are being held in Den Haag (thats The Hague to us mere mortals) between representatives of the worlds most powerful nations on how to reduce the effect of the 'greenhouse gases' (The Kyoto protocol) that are giving rise to major climatic concerns .i.e the hole in the ozone layer. So where does the 'bullying' come in ?. Well, what has transpired during the past few days is that the largest of all industrial nations (and we all know who that is ! nudge nudge wink wink) is using bullying tactics to force agreements that would result in an increase in emissions of about 5%. So where's the problem, wouldn't it be nice to have a bit of global warming ? I mean it does get a bit chilly at this time of year. I personally think there's more to this than meets the eye, I believe there's a hidden agenda and in their attempt at world domination our bosom buddies have hatched a plan to speed up the melting of the polar ice caps, thus resulting in the rest of the world being submereged under 20 ft of water, you must admit it has been raining a lot lately on these otherwise sunny shores (!) and their aim ? - The worlds largest water park !!! No more cramped conditions at the wave pool, no more queues for the water slide and if someone does take a pee in the 'kiddy' pool the chances of someone encountering this little accident in 300,000 square miles of water are negligible. The guy with the athletes foot and the nasty rash on the back of his knees can have his own area the size of Belgium to induge his aquatic pleasures, the oversized lady wearing the tiniest of bikini's can go swimming without the Japanese whaling commission being alerted and the annoying kids with the inflatable in the shape of Clinton's manhood can play to their hearts content. So...........lets keep that co2 coming ,you know it makes sense.

If you would like to make any suggestions or comments about this page, feel free to do so.

You never know if I have nothing better to do I may even read them.................